Wednesday, July 28, 2010

my solo visit

last night mom stayed with my kids and I went to visit my dad at his 8:15 visit alone. i stood next to his bed and just stared at him...he's still so sick...not awake, ventilated, on a feeding tube and so so so yellow. his liver is basically quitting on us....b/c of this his blood is full of all the toxins from the meds and he can't wake up. its getting worse every day, and the doctors say it is a waiting game and we have to hope he will eventually get better.

i'm no fool though. i realize he may not get better---i keep thinking about the last week i spent with him home in lake charles. i brought him out to prien lake park a few times and i remember those evenings vividly. i pushed him in his wheelchair down the pier and the sunset was so beautiful. i remember saying to myself that if this was it i'd be satisfied. it was such a beautiful evening and it was just me and him. we talked and ignored the elephant in the room.

i'm not satisfied though...i miss my dad so much and i want him to get better. i'm angry b/c seeing him like this is terrible and i don't want these memories to be my last. i want him back and talking and walking.

its a day after day after day fight and the steps are so small and its so hard. i wish i could learn everything i'm learning about how precious life is without going through this experience. it puts a whole new spin on life.

keep praying for us....its all i can ask for. love u guys.


Katherine Anne said...

We will offer up our sufferings for him, and for your broken hearts. I can't imagine going through this. What a bittersweet time to see your beautiful baby girl mixed with your father being so ill. Today's mass will be for him.

Becky Bakes said...

thanks kate for the prayers and are too sweet!