Friday, September 7, 2012

Where is he?


I was in Corpus Christi when I knew my Dad was going to die, and then I was there again shortly after he did.

I’ll never forget the way I felt staring out into the ocean asking….

Where is he?……Where did he go?

I started out into the waves numb really…as if there was some way I’d be able to find him if I looked hard enough.  He couldn’t be gone.

I wasn’t questioning whether or not he was in heaven.  I was searching I guess for him here on earth.  It was hard for me to grasp that I could look forever, but never find him. 

Shortly before and after losing my Dad if that makes sense is when I found myself deeply searching for God in my life and really just praying to find myself closer to him. 

I’m writing this post b/c today I experienced what it was like to have complete faith in GOD.  I’m not saying I was free from fear and anxiety and tears…I’m still working on truly letting go and letting God.  I will say though that I knew I had a relationship with GOD and I trusted in his plan for me and knew that everything was going be okay even if my worst nightmare was coming true.

I found a lump in my breast a little over a year ago.  I had an ultrasound and they couldn’t find anything, but told me to come back if it changed.  Today I saw my doctor because the lump had doubled in size.  As soon as I laid down she could see it and was obviously concerned and ordered a stat ultrasound.  I left her office in complete terror.  I just knew I had breast cancer(maybe a tad dramatic but the truth.)  My appt was at 9 AM and I had my ultrasound at 1 PM, so I had plenty of time to think about the possibilities.  I can’t explain what it felt like when I was sitting in the parking lot…completely convinced I had breast cancer…and thinking…. “It’s gonna be okay…God has a plan…I can handle this…he will show me the way.”  I trusted GOD with all my heart and I almost felt guilty at how comfortable I felt in the midst of a lot of panic and fear.  It was an awesome feeling knowing that I was where I needed to be in my life with my faith & trust in God.  I am so thankful…

For all of you who are probably about to kill me right now----It looks like there isn’t anything to worry about : ) Praise GOD!


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