This is how it is

I am in Houston, and so far I HATE it. Yea I said it. I. Want. To. Go. Home. You might be thinking...I thought Rebecca had life all figured out...this new found trust in God that everything is going to be alright, and how we have to put things in perspective, and you gotta have faith and this and that. Yea...it's me...and I'm sad...and I don't have it altogether and right now I'm feeling like crap, and I want to complain, and I have nothing positive to say right this minute, so hopefully you weren't hoping for some new take on life from me today. I. Don't. Have. One.

Houston makes me sad...everything here reminds me of my dad. Jack keeps saying he wants to go to mommas house. How can I be aggravated with him when he's throwing fits...i'm expecting my terribly two year old to travel back and forth from place to place and adjust perfectly to all these different routines/people/homes/beds. Know wonder he's decided to start peeing on the floor.

Madeline has been sick...so i haven't gotten any real consecutive hours of sleep in many nights....so know wonder I have NO patience and I cry over EVERYTHING. Poor brad...for some reason I take it out on him.

I need my gym....working out is my medicine.

I'm sorry I have been blogging about my dad so much...I know it's sad stuff. It's my outlet, and writing about it makes me feel better.

Writing about today is already making me feel better. See god knows what he's doing. Im going to put on my work out clothes. I knew he had a plan for me today.

It’s got me thinking…

Today that is…Thanksgiving…Happy Thanksgiving!

I was back and forth between Houston and Corpus Christi(Brad was doing a month rotation there) while my Dad was so sick. I got the call from my mom…and she said it was time for me to come. My jaw started chattering…I walked in circles around our apartment trying to get things ready to leave. I was going alone with the kids at first because I was sure this wasn’t it. I finally got on the road, and then I got the second call. This was it.

It? What are they talking about…they couldn’t be right? I called Brad and turned around to go get him. We drove…there was no way it could have been fast enough.

2 1/2 hours. Brad played the most beautiful music for me as I cried…hard. So hard. I cried and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.

Brad’s parents met us to get Jack.

We parked and my completely numb body…physically, mentally, & emotionally…walked towards my Dad’s waiting area. I had always imagined this moment to be so different. I was supposed to be bawling crying on the floor somewhere not able to speak. It wasn’t that way…I was a zombie. I talked, walked, maintained odd composure as I made my way to watch my Daddy go to heaven.

The surgeon, sweet Dr. Frasier came to talk to us…to say they’d done all they could. This was it.

The priest walked us in to give my Dad his Last Rites…we prayed…the pain, the way my body cried…there was my Dad laying there. He looked AWFUL—never ever imagined this part. We stood there, and decided to withdraw care the next morning hoping God would take him on his own. We went back to our camper and a few hours later Dr. Frasier called us. It was time…God was taking him. Like machines we jumped out of bed and got to the hospital as fast as we could. We walked in and he was almost gone. We were all there…

We watched our Dad die. We watched everything fade away…we stood there. We had no idea what was happening…we couldn’t process it. Then we left. We walked away from it all…and went home and laid in bed. From there my emotions were haywire and still are. Everyday is a new and different day.

Today is Thanksgiving Day---and here’s what I’m thankful for.

I’m thankful for my healthy family

my husband who works so hard for us and his unending understanding and care for me in my worst moments..the way he LOVES everything about me

for my family who have been UNBELIEVABLE and for how much more closer we’ve all become after my Dad’s death.

I’m thankful Brad could be with me on that night…and Nana & Pop Pop could take care of Jack for us. I’m thankful for the beautiful music Brad played for me on the way to Houston…the way it let me cry.

I’m thankful for how much time I got to spend with my Dad. I’m thankful for all the beautiful things he taught me about life.

I’m thankful for the secrets to life that Brad has taught me(that’s a whole other post) and how they help me deal with this loss.

BUT here’s what I’m most thankful for…this new found faith that I have since my Dad went to heaven…this trust, love and peace that my new relationship with God has given me. Above all I’m thankful for God’s forgiveness and the fact that he loves me even though I’m a sinner…he is here for me and will be always.

Beignets with Santa

Jack & Madeline got to meet Santa this weekend! I’ll be honest…I envisioned them in their perfect little Christmas outfits sitting on Santa’s lap smiling as happy as can be as I took that perfect Christmas picture I’d have to cherish forever…WRONG!  Jack enjoyed everything until it was time to sit on Santa’s lap…Madeline was so curious about everything else going on around her she hardly looked at the camera…and Brad & I ran in circles trying to get the perfect picture.  We had fun though…I’ll just lower my expectations next year :)

 

Can’t you tell…we tried so hard…I guess this is as good as it gets as far as a family pic goes!

Rock N Roll Marathon

n o it wasn’t me…I wish it was.

CONGRATS CHRISTIE & BERT!

(Brad’s sis & her hubby)

Christie & Bert came in town for the San Antonio Rock N Roll Marathon!  We had so much fun hanging out with them, and Jack loves his Tisty & Bert!

Seriously…ya’ll ran the 1/2 marathon and it was awesome! We are so proud of you guys!

Brad hooked them up with a little fluids the night before the race. 

Madeline had a little puffy fro going on…

While we were waiting for them to pass Jack kept saying he wanted to see Tisty & Bert.  When he first saw all the runners he said, “Oh they running fast fast!”

After we saw Christy & Bert we decided to take Jack to the park. 

“I’m going to get you…” Poor ducks!

Jack wanted to push Brad on the swing! It was so cute!

Madeline slept the whole time so I didn’t get any pics of my sweet girl!  Maybe next time!

To you…all of you!

This is a repost…but one that I wanted to make….on Veteran’s Day…this is to you..all of you!

I remember my days of long skirts, bandanas, smoking cigarettes like I was a bad@$$ & my fascination with everything "Hippie", but today I remember vividly the first time I came face to face with them. It started with a phone call to Brad about meeting up for lunch, and it ended with most likely one of the most life changing events in my life.

{ I fell in love with Brad the day I met him, but I remember being very afraid when I realized he wanted to be in the Air Force and serve his country as a doctor. I was afraid, but because our love was so strong I never hesitated & knew I could make it through anything. My family would be in the military...seriously I thought...no way-I never would have imagined it. I didn't have anything against the military, but I will be honest and say that I really had no idea... being "military" isn't at all what I thought. I've always supported our troops even in times I haven't necessarily supported the wars they were fighting, but for some reason I had some negative association with our military. To me they were all these big war hungry gung ho guys with weird haircuts walking around with guns and saying 1,2,3,4...boy was I wrong. }

Back to my day----Brad and I were meeting up for lunch at BAMC(Brooke Army Medical Center) which is the army hospital. Meeting Brad for lunch is a common thing. I walked into the cafeteria and grabbed my tray as I normally would, then I preceded to gather my lunch and find a seat. I walked all through the cafeteria deciding on what I'd eat, then paying, then grabbing my drink & utensils, then finding my seat and then this is the part I'll never forget. I started to sit down, and then I looked around. I became completely numb...I knew the true meaning of weak in the knees at this point...I know I was staring. My eyes scanned the entire room as I took in each of their faces…most distorted from burns, missing ears...noses...limbs. Some had no limbs left, and those that did had been burned badly or were full of pins and stints. Almost all of them were in wheel chairs. I remember one guy...he was probably 18 or 19 years old, and he had a rectangular skin graft across his neck. I don't know how long I stood there, but it felt like forever. I felt a knot in my throat, and then my eyes started to fill with tears. I kept telling myself I couldn't cry here in front of all these people. I sat down, and Brad said, "I was waiting for you to notice." I couldn't speak...I had absolutely nothing to say. Here I was completely helpless and falling apart, but they were all going about their day. After all they were here to eat lunch. Some had family members with them visiting, sitting, eating and laughing. They had gone to war, and now they were back and conquering another battle. Most would have to learn to walk again, how to eat with their left hands, and find themselves fighting through battle after battle for the rest of their lives. I was speechless and my heart broken.

I left the cafeteria that day changed. I now had the upmost respect for our troops that I ever would. I had come face to face with their sacrifice. I will never forget them or all of those who are still serving our country. I want to thank every single troop and all of those who support them for serving our country…Thank You & May God Bless You!!!!!

Who’s got it harder?

There are some things in life that I always think about. 

Little big life things.

and Rebecca is always trying to figure things out. 

it’s something I need to work on, because most of these little big life things aren’t for me to figure out…that’s what I’m starting to figure out…i think.

So the truth is…and you all know it…my Dad was soooo sick for sooo long and it was hard.  HARD. HARD.  I live away from home…and although I love my little family and life always..its still HARD. very HARD because I love home, and home is not here.  my husband is a resident…and he works ALOT. and if I wasn’t blogging about the topic I’m blogging about I’d keep going, but I’m going to stop right here.

I actually have an amazing life.  Yes, its hard sometimes…and yes, sometimes I want to think I should throw a pity party.  I get close to stomping my feet and throwing tantrums, BUT…I Don’t because I have COUNTLESS blessings.

I don’t because I know that there are people who have it harder. (This is the part that I always think about.)

I have a friend who has four beautiful kids and a lovely resident husband.  He just found out his brain tumor he had removed when he was 7 is back.  He needs it removed…but at the risk of losing his memory(not good if you are a doctor) but worse if its your kids names or the day they were born.  you get the picture? He was going to prolong the surgery, but now they are saying he has to have it and soon. 

I have another friend whose husband is deployed.  Her house caught on fire yesterday. She and all of her kids are okay(thank you GOD), but everything is full of smoke, she has quite a few darlings, her husband is GONE(that means he’s in the military so that means she is here without a lot of family too), and her house caught on fire. and the whole upstairs burnt and the rest has smoke damage.

There is a little boy(I can’t tell you anything really about him) except that he’s got heart failure…his mom is a single HARD WORKING mom…and last year all she could buy him for Christmas is a coloring book.  This year will be different for him so don’t worry :) Angels are being sent his way…

My point is that when I start to think about my sad story…I say to myself that it could be worse.  Does that mean I can’t think about my sad story? NO. 

Here’s my big point---You don’t have to feel bad about feeling bad because someone may have it worse.  Everyone has tough times…and no matter how tough your time is its tough for you and it should not be compared to someone else’s.  It should be recognized and its important to receive love and support(which i have an abundant supply of…another thing to be thankful for.)  It’s okay to cry..and be sad…and recognize that whatever you are going through is HARD, but you have to keep things in PERSPECTIVE. 

And you have to TRUST that God has a plan for you.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

You have to make the best of what’s around. 

Here a little special story…

Yesterday I had a doctor’s appt.  I brought my two little ones, and it was CRAZY. Everything lasted ALOT longer than I had expected, and really…a two yr. old in a doctor’s office?  To make a long story short…some beautiful loving people helped saved me.  They watched my kids for me while I had some x rays done…yes I trusted them with my angels(you would have too if you’d met them.)  The whole experience was tiring, emotional, and stressful.  When I walked out Jack was happily playing on one of their i phones, and Madeline was fast asleep on an old retired Vietnam vet’s chest :)  I thanked them in the best way that I could, and as I was walking out the older lady who was helping me grabbed my arm and said, “Honey…you’ve got someone watching over you…”  I waited until I got outside before I cried…the relief I felt…to know for sure that God is with me and so is my Dad.

Mischief!

Jack has been getting into some mischief lately! When I was preparing for Madeline’s arrival I knew I’d need some “safe” places to put her while I was doing other things.  For the living room I borrowed a bassinet from a friend….it was working out perfectly until the other day! I was working in the office-Madeline was supposedly napping in her bassinet-Jack was supposedly playing in the living room—until I heard Jack & Madeline both laughing.  I walked in and this is what I found…

 

Jack LOVES playing in the sink…Yes, I let him…Yes, he gets water everywhere…yes, its a mess…but its totally worth it.  He’s busy for at least 30 minutes playing..he has a ball…and what’s being a boy if you don’t get completely messy/dirty/wet at least once a day anyways?

Yesterday he was having a fantastic time.  I walked in and there was water everywhere, but ALOT more than usual.  I said, “Oh no Jack…this is a big mess…we are going to have to clean this up!”  Then I got distracted with Madeline for about 10 minutes…when I walked back into the kitchen this is what my little monkey had been working on!

I had to just smile…he tried so hard to clean up his mess(he used about 15 dish rags in the process!)

     

Have I blogged about how nosey Madeline is? I have to admit…she gets it from me.  She is always trying to see what everyone else is up to!  She even puts herself in dangerous situations to do so!  That’s what you have parents for though…right?