Do you miss my kids?

I haven’t blogged in awhile about them…so I KNOW you miss seeing their sweet faces :)

 

This is Jack’s new trick…does it make me nervous? YES.

Does he do it all the time while saying, “Mommy watch this!” over and over again…YES.

Jack loves to wear these “work” goggles…he will wear them all day while he works…I guess.  He’s a hard worker too!  And do you see Thomas?  He LOVES Thomas.

Sweet Madeline…loves loves her Daddy!

I started Madeline on cereal..she hates it…although she seems happy here.  She also hates bottles…I made a  huge mistake and waited too long to give her a bottle…and now well she won’t take one.  It’s lovely.

And last but not least…GO TIGERS!!!!!!!!!!!  Jack loves football!  His favorite thing to do is run and tackle..he says, “2, 4, 6!!!” and off he goes running and then falls on the ground as if he’s tackling someone!  Yes…he counts in twos.  I don’t know how to get him to stop.

Waves

My pain...it comes in waves...ironically I was at the beach when you started to pass away. I kept looking for you out in the ocean...where were you? I find myself asking that question a lot lately...where are you? Where is he? Where could he be...then I think of all the places I could go looking for you. I think of the lake front...where you and mom spent every afternoon watching the sunset, or the boats come in or out, the people walking with their families, the ones who'd fish on the dock...what were they catching, if anything at all? Ya'll would laugh and remember the old times when ya'll would see a family of small children trying to have a nice afternoon...one kid might be throwing a fit...and another screaming...and you'd remember what it was like to have small children. You knew how they felt, and you were thankful for all those evenings ya'll spent with us...even the tough ones. I spent many afternoons out there with you...I remember the days we'd go too. I remember eating all kinds of candy with you...I remember you telling me I had to get out of the house even though I felt so sick being pregnant with Madeline...You told me, "You can either sit here at home and feel bad, or you can go somewhere and feel bad." I always felt better after going somewhere. You felt worse than I did, but there you were trying your best to make me feel better. I walked you on that pier that night...it was a bumpy ride in your wheel chair...I remember the sunset and how quiet we were. I'll never forget that evening...b/c I knew it would probably be the last and it was.

I took these pictures for you...you would have loved the marina we went to...the boats, the breeze, the sunset, the quietness of the boats rocking in the water...I thought of you and kept taking pictures.

I miss you

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.so.bad.

I think about you everyday every single day...I have all these distractions, and sometimes they are helpful, but really I just want to think about you & miss you & cry & wish you were here with me. I don't want to be distracted...I don't want time to go by & like everyone says in time I will heal, and this pain won't be so bad; I want to stay right here in these days closest to the last time I was with you. I don't want to move away from my pain, I don't want to lose you.

I loved my Dad so much. I loved every thing about him...even the things that drove me crazy, and I miss them. I miss it all, and I just want my life back when I had both my Mom and my Dad. I want them both...here.

I know it might not be fun to read my sob story...but just bare with me. I write about things...that's how I deal with them. I write about them, and then I sort of feel better...sort of.

I want to go home.

Today it hurts...but I feel peace.

I miss my Dad today...not that I haven't missed him everyday since he went away, but today it hurts. My Dad was SO influential to me. He listened to me, and then he would often respond with something so simple that might not have made much sense at the time, but after awhile it would make perfect sense. He told me the following quote so many times, and it would go in one ear and out the other...not sure why because I'm a pretty analytical person. Today though it makes so much sense...

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" ~Hillel

I started praying about a year ago for God to take me as I am...to help me to live my life for him...and to give me the strength to be the best person I could be. Months and months went by and I felt like I wasn't close enough to God...I was praying for him to take me closer to him. Where was he?

Then my Dad got more sick, and I found myself pleading to God...and then I felt him. I felt his arms around me...I knew he was with us. When he took my Dad to heaven I wondered...then something kept reassuring me that my Dad was okay. He was in heaven, and I'd see him again. A few things have happened, and I know that only God could have played a part in them.

As I pleaded with God to keep my Dad here, I questioned my relationship with him. Here I am begging for him to perform a miracle, and what have I done for him? Who am I? How do I live my life? Who do I want to be?

The quote my Dad used to always tell me...WOW. It makes perfect sense now and when I need it to the most. "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" ~Hillel

No one is going to make me live my life as I should...and if not now, when? When will I?

Then I randomely came across this post and everything started to really set in....

"In Galations 6:7-10 the Apostle Paul writes that we will each reap an individual harvest of what is "sewn" in our lives. Each decision, thereby, is a seed planted toward that harvest. I have been thinking for some time now about the seeds I am sewing and wondering what the harvest is going to look like.What will be its weight and its worth?"

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31

Weddings & What not’s…

In July my best friend, Ashley Authement, married one lucky guy…Bob Keates.  We were so excited to make the wedding in Austin, and we had so much fun!  Congrats Ashley & Bob!

Jack wore a seersucker suit, and I have to say…he was TOO cute!  Madeline was precious too, but I COULD NOT get a good picture of her---b/c she kept doing this…  

Madeline will be 5mths pretty soon, and she is just a doll!  She loves to snuggle & smile & laugh! She wakes up once at night to eat, which is such a lifesaver for me!   

Life is GOING.  We are busy just keeping up with our regular old schedule…gym(where Jack has a blast playing with the other boys and girls while I exercise & Madeline gets loved on in the nursery), errands, lunch, nap & an afternoon full of playing followed by dinner & nighttime!  Jack is still on a pretty strict routine, and Madeline is starting to fall into his routine, which will make life even more easier.  Time flies by too fast, and I’m just trying to slow down as much as I can so I can enjoy these two babies!  I feel so blessed to be able to stay at home with them!

Toes in the water, toes in the sand!

While we were in Corpus Christi we took Jack to the beach!  It was his first experience, and as soon as his feet hit the sand he was amazed!  He loved it!  We had gone out to dinner  before going out to “walk” on the beach on this particular evening.  We had so much fun!

     

This is wear walking on the beach quickly changed to swimming in the beach…so cute!  Jack just decided all the sudden to lay down on his belly in the water!

   

Picking up the pieces…

I guess I have to start somewhere.  The last few months are a blur.  I want to start by thanking all of you who sent prayers, cards and much needed love my way.  I heard from so many people I haven’t talked to in so long, and it was so comforting.  Each phone call, message, card…whatever you may have done…it made a difference.  Thank you!  (I will say in the middle of all of this I switched phones and lost many numbers & I haven’t been able to access my voicemail for awhile…I’m still working on getting that fixed.  So if you haven’t heard from me…I probably don’t have your number…it sucks, but hopefully I can get back in service pretty soon.  I would love to talk to many of you!)

My dad went to Houston at the beginning of July, and in August Brad had to leave and go to Corpus for the month to do an away rotation.  So for two months we were displaced.  We are home now!  It feels so good to be home…back in our routines and just the comforts of home! 

Since we left…I feel like my kids have grown so much.  Jack is talking up a storm.  He loves to sing and dance…after a performance he says, “It’s beautiful momma?”  Madeline is growing and becoming more fun everyday!  She laughs and smiles all the time.  Both of them are the light of my life right now.  They seriously keep me going! 

My dad was sick for a long time.  We all knew one day we’d lose him earlier than we’d like.  I always thought in some way that would prepare me.  It doesn’t.  Losing a parent is so painful…it stings.  I miss him so much everyday…and although I visited often…I still think of all that I wished I’d told him…asked him…or done.  We are a really close family, and I’m thankful we have each other to lean on.  This experience has for sure made us closer.  I just try to remind myself that he’s looking down on us and with us each day. 

My memories of his last few days are piercing…he looked so bad and we knew we were losing him.  I held his hand…standing by his bed I stared at my dad, tough to recognize, and I prayed and pleaded with God.  Please keep him with me, but do what you have to do because I know you know what’s best.  God took him away to heaven in the middle of the night and we were all there.  I will never forget that moment…the last beat of his heart…I watched it on the monitor….and off he went to be back with his mom in heaven.  My life was changed.  My relationship with God has forever changed.  I am so thankful  I  have him in my life!

I miss you Dad, but I now have you to help me, guide me & to watch down on these beautiful babies I have from up above! I love you!

(I can’t keep Madeline’s hands out of her mouth!)