Today it hurts...but I feel peace.

I miss my Dad today...not that I haven't missed him everyday since he went away, but today it hurts. My Dad was SO influential to me. He listened to me, and then he would often respond with something so simple that might not have made much sense at the time, but after awhile it would make perfect sense. He told me the following quote so many times, and it would go in one ear and out the other...not sure why because I'm a pretty analytical person. Today though it makes so much sense...

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" ~Hillel

I started praying about a year ago for God to take me as I am...to help me to live my life for him...and to give me the strength to be the best person I could be. Months and months went by and I felt like I wasn't close enough to God...I was praying for him to take me closer to him. Where was he?

Then my Dad got more sick, and I found myself pleading to God...and then I felt him. I felt his arms around me...I knew he was with us. When he took my Dad to heaven I wondered...then something kept reassuring me that my Dad was okay. He was in heaven, and I'd see him again. A few things have happened, and I know that only God could have played a part in them.

As I pleaded with God to keep my Dad here, I questioned my relationship with him. Here I am begging for him to perform a miracle, and what have I done for him? Who am I? How do I live my life? Who do I want to be?

The quote my Dad used to always tell me...WOW. It makes perfect sense now and when I need it to the most. "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" ~Hillel

No one is going to make me live my life as I should...and if not now, when? When will I?

Then I randomely came across this post and everything started to really set in....

"In Galations 6:7-10 the Apostle Paul writes that we will each reap an individual harvest of what is "sewn" in our lives. Each decision, thereby, is a seed planted toward that harvest. I have been thinking for some time now about the seeds I am sewing and wondering what the harvest is going to look like.What will be its weight and its worth?"

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31