Happy Birthday Day sweet Dad!

Today is your special day, and I wish I was with you.  I miss you so much Dad, and I hope that you still read my blog.  I thought I’d said it all…I made so many last minute trips home to see you…spent so many late nights talking to you in your chair, but sitting hear now I realize I forgot to say a lot.  Losing you has taught me how precious life is…a lesson I don’t think I’d understand if you hadn’t passed away. 

I just read a book called the Help.  It was set in Jackson, MS during the civil rights movement…you were already 20 yrs. old and just a few hours away in New Orleans.  I wish I had realized that you were that age during such a historical time…I would have asked you so many questions.  You would have had so much to say…I would have loved to hear your thoughts, feelings, memories…

We found all of your “stuff.”  I know you know what I’m talking about.  Dad, you were such a beautiful person.  The letters people wrote about you were so touching…I didn’t know how spiritual you were.  I’m so thankful you were so close to God. They talked about how dedicated you were to children…often working countless hours without accepting any money.  They said you were a man of your word, compassionate, and so dedicated.  I wish I could have read all those letters with you…I want you to know that I always knew you were an amazing person, but now I REALLY KNOW.  I’m so proud to call you my Dad.

Jessica will be having her baby any day now…we all wish you were here to see sweet little Julia.  Jack & Madeline are getting so big, and Dad…Jack is so smart and creative.  You would be so impressed with all that he can do :)  They are my little joys in life, and they keep me going everyday. 

There are days when it hurts so bad losing you…I thought it would get easier with time, but we are coming up on the one year anniversary of losing you and if feels like its getting harder.  Someone told me it would be the second year…I see what they mean now.  I guess its starting to sink in and the numbness is starting to fade away.  I miss you soooooo much.

Dad, I hope we convinced you to do the right thing.  When I was sitting in your hospital room I know I was pushing you to do the surgery.  I thought it was your best chance at living, but now I look back and I feel bad…we were talking about your life…we all wanted what was best for you…but you were so unsure and so worried, and a part of me feels like we pushed too hard.  I am so much more careful with my words now.  When we were walking you down to surgery I didn’t know it was going to be my last time with you…I was so sick to my stomach and lightheaded.  I thought I was going to pass out, and I just think of your face sitting in that hospital bed.  You were so afraid….I can’t quit thinking about that last hug I gave you and how I kissed you and then you started to cry.  I would have given you such a bigger hug…and I would have looked you in the face and said I love you…Dad, I loved you so much.  I hope I showed you that.  I hope you know that I thought you were unbelievable. 

Happy birthday sweet Daddy…what I would do to be with you now…I love you.